Telford's House by Hotrod McCaughan

Telford's House

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"Telford's House" by Hotrod McCaughan

The pigsty is a room. "You are in a horrible place covered in kebab meat and vomit. To the East you can see a clearing. To the West, North, and South the revolting mess continues, however the mess is too dense in the West and South."

The description of the player is "You are such a poor bastard."

The block giving rule is not listed in the check giving it to rules.

East of pigsty is bedroom. Bedroom is a room. "You are in a small clearing where you have a better view of the vile surroundings." Here is a lunchbox. Lunchbox is a fixed in place closed openable locked container. The key unlocks the lunchbox. Inside the lunchbox is a hipflask. "There is a lunchbox sitting in the center." After taking hipflask:
say "You pick up the greasy hipflask and drink deep from it. You feel disease rushing through you. Seconds later lightning strikes your hipflask and teleports you to the bar. You have won the game!";
end the game in victory.

North of the pigsty is the toilet. The toilet is a room. "You continue on in through the foul mess, noting it gets much smellier to the north with a clearer path to the Northeast."

In the toilet is a shite. It is an object. "Something brown, sticky, smelly and disgusting lies discarded on the ground in front of you."

After taking shite:
	say "Taking the vile object in your hands you realize that it is a shite! Fuck!"

Instead of examining shite:
	say "A shite you found in the mess."

Northeast of the toilet is the corridor. The corridor is a room. "This corridor seems to lead somewhere." Here is a sign. Sign is fixed in place."Looks like that sign might be helpful. Should you go as far as to examine it? I think you should." The description of the sign is " It reads: Go Northwest if you want to survive this fucked up shithole - Andrew Telford."

Northwest of the corridor is kitchen. Kitchen is a room. A man called Telford is here. Telford can be calm, impatient, or forgetful. Telford is calm. "An unbelievably disgusting man stands in front of you. I think his name is Telford. You should ask him about a key." 
 Instead of asking Telford about "key": say "You want the key to the lunchbox in the clearing huh? Well I'd tell you where it is, but I'm too upset. I dropped one of my shites in the woods, and I can't find it. If you can find my shite, I'll tell ya where it is, deal? Good."; now Telford is impatient.

Instead of asking an impatient Telford about "key": say "I already told you, find me my shite and I'll tell you where to find the key."

Instead of asking an impatient Telford about "shite": say "FIND IT!!! I'M SAD!!!"

Understand "shite" as shite. Understand "smelly" as shite.

After giving shite to Telford: say "Holy shit, you actually got it. Thank fuck! What was it you were after? Oh, aye. Listen closely: the key is to be found West of the toilets, South of the masturbatorium, and East of the pissbucket. Once in the shithole, open the blue lunchbox, and ONLY the blue lunchbox. Then retrace your steps carefully, one wrong step and you're fucked. The corridor is not marked, only my directions can lead you there carefully. Fuck off!"

West of the toilet is the masturbatorium. Masturbatorium is a room. "Lots of disgusting tissues surround you." Instead of going north while in masturbatorium: say "You stumble through the foul sticky tissues into a humongous lake of snotters, piss and splooge. You are drowned in the worst way possible. You should have listened to Telford."; end the game in death. Instead of going west while in masturbatorium: say "Oh shit. It's Telford's mum. She rides you until you die and boke and shit yourself. Next time listen to Telford."; end the game in death.

South of the masturbatorium is the pissbucket. Pissbucket is a room. "There is a medium sized pissbucket here." Instead of going west while in pissbucket: say "You fall into a portal. You are instantly transformed into Telf's manky old soap bar, and he is washing his giant balls with you. You suffocate and die."; end the game in death. Instead of going south while in pissbucket: say "You walk for miles for no apparent reason until you reach a garden. You walk for a few tentative steps, happy to get away from the stench when a boke bucket is emptied from a room above you, landing on your head. You are sick until you are dead"; end the game in death.

East of the pissbucket is the shithole. Shithole is a room. In the shithole is red lunchbox, blue lunchbox, and yellow lunchbox. The red lunchbox is a fixed in place closed openable container. The blue lunchbox is a fixed in place closed openable container. The yellow lunchbox is a fixed in place closed openable container. Inside the blue lunchbox is key. Instead of opening red lunchbox: say "You open the red lunchbox, inside you find a shot glass full of some kind of liquid. Thinking it is Telf's booze, you drink it. Unlucky, it is a mix of his snotters and shite. You boke until you are dead."; end the game in death. Instead of opening the yellow lunchbox: say "You open the yellow lunchbox and Rigger's ghost comes out and kills the shit out of you"; end the game in death. "Finally, you reach the shithole. There are three lunchboxs sitting in the middle of the field. A red one, a blue one, and a yellow one."

North of the toilet is the bar. Bar is a room. "You come to a weird room in the bar. You can continue going North to go inside, or you can turn around now and save yourself some trouble..."

North of the mountain side is cupboard. cupboard is a room. "You are inside the cupboard where a message is scrawled on the wall. You should check it out."

Inside the cupboard is the wall. The description of the wall is "Don't pull this man's wanger."

The wanger is in the cave. The wanger is fixed in place.

Instead of pulling wanger: say "Everything blows up, you idiot. You're dead."; end the game in death.