Hard or Easy Choice by Colette Z

Hard or Easy Choice

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"Hard or Easy Choice? [Trigger Warning: Suicide]" by 999.

Graduation Party is a room. "You are at your Graduation Party. It's the happiest day of your life! You went from being a high school dropout to graduating University with honors. There is a table in the center of the room. Milling around the table are all your friends, your partner, and, of your divorced parents, your father is there, too. You should look around before you go up to start your life as a college graduate."

The table is in the Graduation Party. 
The father is in the Graduation Party.
The friends is in the Graduation Party.
The partner is in the Graduation Party.

The description of the father is "Your father rarely smiles, but today he is beaming. He begins to tear up as he tells you how proud of you he is. You begin to tear up, too: your dad has never before told you he was proud of you."

The description of the partner is "Your partner smiles tensely, trying to look polite for the guests. He scowls whenever he glimpses the letter on the table because it reminds him that, in a couple of days, the two of you are moving somewhere he doesn't want to live."

The description of the friends is "Your friends raise their glasses to you and wish you luck!"

The description of the table is "The table is mostly taken up by a huge cake. At the edge of the table is a letter from a graduate school and a file from your doctor." On the table is a cake. On the table is a letter. On the table is a file. 

The description of the letter is "Your letter of acceptance from a prestigious graduate program for a combined Master/PhD in your favorite field of study. It details the full scholarship you've been awarded and the generous fellowship that's guaranteed for the next four years."

The description of the file is "This file contains your medical records that you'll need to submit to your new school so they can provide you with disability accommodations. It details the nerve issues you have been having with your hands for the last two years which prevent you from being able to write or type for more than 15 minutes without needing an hour long break. Instead of being sad like you usually are when you look at it, you're happy thinking of how you graduated despite these limitations."

The description of the cake is "The cake is decorated with buttercream writing, wishing you a happy graduation." 

Starting Grad School is up from Graduation Party.

Starting Grad School is a room. "Even the intimidating Gothic architecture of your new university can't dim your excitement as you make your way to your department for the first time. You're eager to check it out before going up to start your first year."

The faculty advisor is in Starting Grad School.
The department chair is in Starting Grad School.
The classmates is in Starting Grad School.

The description of faculty advisor is "The first thing your faculty advisor says to you after inviting you to take a seat in his office is that some people are just not cut out for graduate school. He goes on to say that it isn't because they aren't smart or aren't capable, it's just a bad match and that they'll be happier doing something else with their lives. You think it's an odd thing to tell all your incoming grad students... This is long before you realize that he doesn't, he's only telling you."

The description of the department chair is "The department chair smiles, but doesn't seem pleased that you're interrupting him. You present him with your medical information and ask him about getting note-takers for your classes and accommodations for exams so that you have extra time to take the breaks you need in order to not strain your wrists. Despite looking at the doctor's note, he expresses skepticism that you actually need extra time for exams. Later in the year, when you take a class from him, he will refuse to grant you that extra time. Because you have to write for hours straight, you wind up agony and unable to write, type, drive, or even get dressed without help for several weeks."

The description of the classmates is "You're delighted to find a dozen people that can endlessly geek out with you about what your learning."

First Year is up from Starting Grad School.

First Year is a room. "Your first year is hard work! Harder than you could have imagined. You do well, getting the top grade in several of your classes. However, you begin to realize that while you love learning about the area of study, you're not excited about any of the careers available in your field -and even less excited at the thought of going into academia. You're relieved when you go up to get to Summer Vacation."

Summer Vacation is up from First Year.

Summer Vacation is a room. "At last! It's summer vacation and you have a break from your endless studying. Not being in classes gives you more time to focus on your home life and your health, as well as contemplate your future. Especially in need of your attention are your aching wrists, your partner, and your family. Take advantage of summer break while you can before you go up to the Second Year."

The your mother is in Summer Vacation.
The your partner is in Summer Vacation.
The your wrists is in Summer Vacation. 
The future is in Summer Vacation. 

The description of your mother is "Lately your mother has been sounding strange when you call home. She always says she's fine, but then says she had some health issues a couple of weeks ago. She says this every week, so you realize she's lying when she tells you she's fine. This continues all summer."

The description of your partner is "The dot com bubble burst and now your partner has lost his job. Tech work is scarce where you're living, and he begins to drop hints about how much easier it would be to find work back home in California and how his unemployment isn't going to last forever."

The description of your wrists is "Your wrists are aching most of the time. You're using ice packs four times a day and eating advil like candy. It's hard to keep your spirits up when you're in chronic pain, and, if this past year was any indication, it's only going to get worse."

The description of future is "You've begun to get excited about a job in a very different field than the one you're studying. You've taken some career tests and it seems to indicate this other career would be a good match for you. If you're honest with yourself, it's a lot more interesting than what you're currently learning. You begin to think about leaving your program after you get your masters degree at the end of the second year."

Second Year is up from Summer Vacation.

Second Year is a room. "The second year of your program is underway. There's a weight on your shoulders, dampening your interest in the material you're learning. Some days you can't get yourself to put in any work at all, instead you just sit and stare at your computer screen while you try to talk yourself into doing your reading and research. Finally you don't complete an assignment and discover that no one says anything. At first you think maybe it doesn't matter, but then you remember what your faculty advisor said last year about how some people don't belong here and you begin to realize that it's not your assignment that doesn't matter, it's that you don't matter enough to your professors for them to worry if you are doing your work or not. You feet feel like they're made of lead when you walk to class, some days you don't go at all. You should really talk to your professor... Meanwhile, your partner is reminding you daily of exactly how many weeks of unemployment he has left, and your mother is coming for a short visit. The Fall Semester is almost over. Think about it long and hard,  then either go North to stay in grad school or go South to leave."

The mom is in Second Year.
The professor is in Second Year.
Your dad is in Second Year.

The description of the mom is "You are shocked when you pick up your mother from the airport. She looks as though she's been starved, you've never seen her so gaunt. She wants to see the sights, but she's clearly in pain and even small activities exhaust her. She continues to maintain that, while she was feeling a little unwell before she came to visit, now she's fine. Once she returns home the pattern will escalate: she begins to tell you every week that she was in the emergency room last week but is fine now. When you ask her what the doctors say is wrong she replies that her spiritual healer is making sure her cancer wont come back and the doctors don't know what they're talking about. She refuses to answer additional questions."

The description of the professor is "You come to your faculty advisor and lay out all your concerns. You describe how it's growing almost impossible to get yourself to do the work. You explain that you're not interested in a career in the field. You tell him about what's been going on at home. You hope against hope that he will say something, anything, to motivate you to finish the school year and get your masters degree. Instead he tells you that dropping out of grad school is like committing suicide, because you'll never know what could have been." 

The description of your dad is "You've been avoiding talking to your father. Every time you pick up the phone to call and tell him everything, you remember him telling you how proud of you he was at your graduation party. Finally you call him and tell him about the troubles you're having,  hoping he will give you some advice. Instead he asks you what's really going and what you did to get kicked out, because it's not possible that you'd voluntarily choose to leave your program. You hang up regretting having called him."

You Stay in School is north of Second Year.
You Leave School is south of Second Year.

You Stay in School is a room. "Your faculty advisor said dropping our of graduate school is like committing suicide. However, staying in an unbearable situation results in actual suicide. Now you'll never know what happened if you'd dropped out instead."

You Leave School is a room. "Although making the decision is hard, you realize that it's not in your best interest to remain in your graduate program. You have other interests that will provide a more satisfying career, a better relationship with family, and a happier life. When you look back you see that you learned more from making this one decision than you did in all of your graduate studies. Congratulations! You've won!"