Atomic Meat by Jessica Nicole Calvert

Atomic Meat

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"Atomic Meat" by Jessica Calvert

The Hotel is a room. 
"A twenty story establishment similar to the Cecil Hotel, but without murders. Or maybe like one murder, but that's neither here nor there. You walk east inside the Hotel Entrance so you can audition for the neumetal band, Atomic Meat."

The Hotel Entrance is a room. The Hotel Entrance is east of the Hotel. "You walk into the Hotel Entrance."

A concierge is here. "There is a concierge waiting to take you to the Waiting Room east of the Hotel Entrance."

The Waiting Room is east of the Hotel Entrance. 
"The concierge takes you to the Waiting Room where you wait with twenty other people equally as bad at music as you. Inside the Waiting Room you see Door One to the east, Door Two to the north, and Door Three to the south. You decide to cut in front of everyone because your mom is making a pot roast and if you're late she'll give your portion to the creepy neighbor with three missing fingers."

Door One is a room. Door One is east of The Waiting Room. The description is "A woman dressed in a questionably fashionable pantsuit takes you into Door One and tells you to sing in front of a weird man holding a cigar out to you and staring at you like a weird man would." 

The cigar is a thing. The cigar can be seen. The cigar is portable. The cigar is inside Door One.
After taking the cigar: say "You sing terribly but are told that Atomic Meat doesn't discriminate. The man says, 'Congratulations, you are the new lead singer of Atomic Meat.'" 

Door Two is a room. Door Two is north of The Waiting Room. The description is "Inside Door Two are a bunch of instruments. There is a drum, a cowbell, and a guitar. A man wearing a leopard print fedora and leg warmers tells you to pick an instrument to perform for another man flicking cigarette ash onto a fake stuffed alpaca."

The drum is a thing. The drum can be seen. The drum is portable. The drum is inside Door Two. 
After taking the drum: Say "The man with the cigarette cringes and says, 'Dear God you suck at drums. Show me what else you can play."

The cowbell is a thing. The cowbell can be seen. The cowbell is portable. The cowbell is inside Door Two. 
After taking the cowbell: Say "The man in the leopard print fedora clutches his pearls. The man flicking the cigarette drops his jaw to the floor and says, 'I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell. You're the new cowbellist for Atomic Meat!'"

The guitar is a thing. The guitar can be seen. The guitar is portable. The guitar is inside Door Two. 
After taking the guitar: Say "You pick up the guitar--a Gibson ES-335. The man with the cigarette laughs in your face because he knows no one who tries out for Atomic Meat is worthy enough to even look at, let alone touch, a Gibson ES-335. Pick a different instrument to suck at."

The cigarette is a thing. The cigarette can be seen. The cigarette is portable. The cigarette is inside Door Two. 
After taking the cigarette: Say "You grab the cigarette from the man, take one long drag, and then slam the butt end into the man with the fedora's forehead. The man you took the cigarette from squeals in delight and decides you're hardcore enough to be the lead singer and instrumentalist of Atomic Meat. The downside is you have to burn Fedora Guy's head every show with a cigarette, so that guy isn't going to be too happy."

Door Three is a room. Door Three is south of The Waiting Room. The description is "Inside Door Three is pure darkness. You are scared but the other trashy people at the auditions for this crappy band are all leering at you and asking what brand of diapers you wear, so you go inside." 

The light is a thing. The light can be switched on. The light is in Door Three.

After switching on the light: Say "You turn on the light and scream 'Oh holy mother of darkness, Batman!' because inside is large alpaca eating the remains of the old members of Atomic Meat. A man holding a cigar and a man holding a cigarette are standing behind you blocking your way out of the room. You think fast as you stare at these two menaces. You ask yourself whether you are thirsty or if you are hungry."

Thirst is a thing. Thirst is portable. Thirst can be answered.

After answering yourself that "I am Thirsty", Say "The shock and awe of the men blocking you, the Kool-Aid man busts through the walls and says, 'Oh yeah!' and knocks over the two men and smashes the alpaca. You go west to the waiting room, safe from stupid smoking killers but not from the sea of smelly dude armpits. Godspeed."

After answering yourself that "I am Hungry", Say "Why in the world would you yell that you're hungry? Do you think some chick just follows you around to make you a sammich? Sit down son, you about to die by alpaca."