Goddammit, Cthulhu by Casey Coolidge

Goddammit, Cthulhu

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"Goddammit, Cthulhu" by Casey Coolidge

Part 1 - Stuff

Include Basic Screen Effects by Emily Short.
Include Unicode Character Names by Graham Nelson.
Use American dialect.

When play begins:
say "It[apostrophe]s a fine day to be in Norway. The wind is not too cold against your fur-lined parka; its bite less of a well-sharpened fillet knife and more of a disposable plastic butter knife. The sky is lighted by a thin, sickly sliver of sun that gropes just over the horizon.[line break][line break]You know that soon the few hours of daylight will soon be spent like last year[apostrophe]s tax refund, and the aurora borealis will be visible, green and pink veils wafting eerily across the sky..."; pause the game;
say "Looking over the peaceful tundra edged with the fiery gold of a winter sun, it was only natural that such beauty could not last. You breathe in a breath of vivifying, bracing air --[line break][line break]And Cthulhu shows up.[line break][line break]Like, seriously. Friggin Cthulhu.[line break][line break]The size of a goddam mountain, and green slime trailing off his wiggly bits like the drippings from last week[apostrophe]s roast. And the stench! The smell of feet wrapped in death salted with skunk poo and vigorously rubbed down with gorgonzola cheese couldn[apostrophe]t smell worse than this guy.[line break][line break]It[apostrophe]s like he showed up just to ruin your perfect vacation."; pause the game;
now the left hand status line is "[location]";
now the right hand status line is "[turn count]".

Before starting the virtual machine: 
    now the left hand status line is ""; 
    now the right hand status line is "". 
    
Part 2 - The Scene

Tundra is a room. "You stand in the middle of vast, frost-strewn tundra. Pine trees edge the horizon. A flat-topped stump sits stumpily nearby, emerging from the stony ground. (The ground is also here, per tradition.)"

The sun is scenery in Tundra. The description of the sun is "The sun winks maliciously at you."
The pine trees is scenery in Tundra. Understand "tree" and "pine tree" as the pine trees. The description of the pine trees is "Just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill pine trees. They remind you of Aunt Ethel[apostrophe]s rocking chair." Instead of taking the pine trees, say "The pine trees wriggle insultingly."

The stump is scenery in Tundra. The stump is a supporter. The description of the stump is "An old pine stump. Very stumpy. Its top is relatively flat; probably good for sitting on."

Instead of entering the stump, say "You[apostrophe]ve got a friggin eldritch abomination to deal with. Focus, dude. God."

The ground is scenery in Tundra. The ground is a supporter. Instead of putting something on the ground, try dropping the noun. The description of the ground is "Rocky, cold, and uneven."

Instead of entering the ground, say "Too rocky and uncomfortable."

Part 3 - Cthulhu

Cthulhu is a man in Tundra. "[one of]Fuckin[or]Goddam[or]That asshat[at random] Cthulhu sits, like a [one of]tubby[or]lumpy[or]greasy[or]filthy[at random] lump of lard on his tentacled hulk of a butt, staring vacantly in a nondescript direction, about a hundred feet away from you." The description of Cthulhu is "A huge mountain of flapping tentacles, rudimentary wings, and big goggle eyes, all under a head vaguely reminiscent of an elephant seal[apostrophe]s nose.[line break][line break]He doesn[apostrophe]t seem to notice you, or to care that he[apostrophe]s showed up at exactly the WORST fucking time, and totally ruined your awesome vacation."

Instead of answering Cthulhu that something, say "You[apostrophe]ve got better things to do than talk to this asshole."

Instead of telling Cthulhu about something, say "You[apostrophe]ve got better things to do than talk to this asshole."

Instead of asking Cthulhu about something, say "You[apostrophe]ve got better things to do than talk to this asshole."

Instead of giving something to Cthulhu, say "As if you[apostrophe]d grace this asshole with your precious [noun]!"

Instead of smelling Cthulhu, say "You[apostrophe]d sooner sniff the roast beef leftovers which you inadvertently left on the kitchen counter before you left for your trip. Two months ago."

Instead of listening to Cthulhu, say "He makes a low groaning sound, like an old-timey British colonel with irritable gout, and occasionally emits loud, wet, flapping, bleating sounds from his butthole region. Probably a bad meal last night. Serves the bastard right."

Instead of touching Cthulhu, say "You can[apostrophe]t reach him. Thank God."

Instead of taking Cthulhu, say "You don[apostrophe]t want any part of this asshole. Except maybe his fuckin head on a plate."

Part 4 - The Player

The player wears a parka. The player wears a rucksack. The rucksack is a closed openable container. Understand "sack" as the rucksack. The description of the rucksack is "Heavy duty rucksack, probably former Soviet shit."

The rucksack contains a rocket. The description of the rocket is "Your ordinary RPG. You usually carry one with you for emergencies, and shit if this isn[apostrophe]t an emergency."

The rucksack contains a launcher. The launcher is a container. The description of the launcher is "A launcher. Used to launch shit. Like lemons or artichokes or beef Wellington. Or rockets."

Instead of opening or closing the rucksack when the player wears the rucksack, say "It[apostrophe]s kinda hard to reach. Better take it off first."

Instead of opening the rucksack when the player carries the rucksack, say "Your hands are currently full of rucksack. How do you expect to open this thing in any sort of dignified manner?"

Instead of closing the rucksack when the player carries the rucksack, say "Your hands are currently full of rucksack. How do you expect to close this thing in any sort of dignified manner?"

The description of the parka is "Warm. And fuzzy. And quite cozy. You are quite happy inside your bundled-up snuggle of toastiness. Or you would be if it weren[apostrophe]t for that fuckin blob of eldritch endoplasm looming in front of you."

Instead of opening the parka, try taking off the parka.

Carry out taking off the parka: end the story finally saying "You remove the warm, fuzzy parka, instantly exposing your fragile flesh to the elements. You quickly freeze to death. Your last wish is that someone will find you quickly and bury you, so that that asshole Cthulhu doesn[apostrophe]t accidentally sit on you and get your remains all squidgy."

Flailing is an action applying to nothing. Understand "flail" as flailing. Instead of flailing, say "You[apostrophe]re not Magikarp. Pull your shit together, man."

Part 5 - Rockety Stuff

Check inserting something into the launcher: if the noun is not the rocket, say "[The noun] won[apostrophe]t fit in there, dude." instead.

Instead of inserting the rocket into the launcher when the player carries the rucksack, say "Jesus, dude, your attachment to this rucksack is really getting in the way of you murdering that eldritch abomination squatting right over there. You need more free hands for this."

Check inserting the rocket into the launcher when the launcher is not in the rucksack: if the player carries the launcher, say "You need two hands for this. You knew you should[apostrophe]ve gotten the smaller model, but firepower always wins out in the end when it comes to making a purchase. You should probably put the launcher down someplace." instead;
if the player does not carry the launcher and the launcher is not on the stump, say "The launcher tips over on the rocky ground. You need someplace more stable." instead.

Instead of inserting the rocket into the launcher when the launcher is in the rucksack, say "Yeah, trying to finagle the rocket into the launcher while it's inside your rucksack probably isn[apostrophe]t going to work. Maybe take it out of there first?" instead.

Report inserting the rocket into the launcher: say "The rocket enters the launcher with a satisfying thump. Time to blow shit up." instead.

Instead of removing the rocket from the launcher, say "Come on, man! You got the friggin rocket in there! Make like a tree and CAUSE MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS!"

A thing can be safe or hazardous. A thing is usually safe. The launcher and the rocket are hazardous.

Part 6 - Shooting Stuff

Shooting it with is an action applying to two things. Understand "shoot [something] with [something]" as shooting it with.
Shooting it at is an action applying to two things. Understand "shoot [something] at [something]" and "launch [something] at [something]" and "fire [something] at [something]" as shooting it at. Instead of shooting something at something, try shooting the second noun with the rocket.
Shooting is an action applying to one thing. Understand "shoot [something]" as shooting. Instead of shooting something, try shooting the noun with the rocket. Check shooting something: if the player does not carry the rocket, say "With what? Spitballs don[apostrophe]t work here, man." instead;
if the player carries the launcher and the launcher does not contain the rocket, say "Generally speaking, you want to start with some form of ammunition (e.g. a rocket) inside some form of projectile-firing device (e.g. a launcher). Generally speaking." instead.

Check shooting it with: if the second noun is not hazardous, say "You can[apostrophe]t shoot things with [the second noun], dumbass." instead.

Check shooting something with a hazardous thing: if the launcher does not contain the rocket, say "Generally speaking, you want to start with some form of ammunition (e.g. a rocket) inside some form of projectile-firing device (e.g. a launcher). Generally speaking." instead.

Check shooting something with a hazardous thing when the player carries the launcher: if the launcher does not contain the rocket, say "Generally speaking, you want to start with some form of ammunition (e.g. a rocket) inside some form of projectile-firing device (e.g. a launcher). Generally speaking." instead.

Check shooting something with the rocket: if the player carries the rocket and the player does not carry the launcher, say "You feel like this rocket should probably get launched by something other than your arm." instead.

Check shooting something with the rocket when the rocket is in the launcher: if the player does not carry the launcher and the launcher is not in the rucksack, say "This is the [apostrophe]Aim-and-Shoot[apostrophe] style launcher, not the [apostrophe]Prop It Against Something and Hope Your Angle Is Right[apostrophe] style." instead; 

A thing can be nearby or faraway. A thing is usually nearby. The sun and the pine trees are faraway. Instead of shooting a faraway thing with the rocket when the player carries the launcher and the launcher contains the rocket, say "Dreadful waste of ammo, that. Try something else. Something large. And fleshy."

A thing can be target or nontarget. A thing is usually target. The rucksack, the player, the parka, the ground, and the stump are nontarget.

Carry out shooting a nontarget thing with the rocket when the player carries the launcher and the launcher contains the rocket: end the story finally saying "You pull the trigge--OHMYGODBOOOOOOMM".

Instead of shooting a hazardous thing with the rocket, say "Nice try, man. What do you think this is, fuckin Inception?"

Instead of shooting a thing with the launcher, try shooting the noun with the rocket.

Carry out shooting Cthulhu with the rocket when the player carries the launcher and the launcher contains the rocket: say "The rocket soars through the cold sunset, and explodes smack in the middle of Cthulhu[apostrophe]s ugly maw. Bits of tentacle fly through the air, wiggling and twitching madly, and a thin layer of eldritch endoplasm spurts over the landscape like Satan[apostrophe]s drool. Cthulhu[apostrophe]s body slumps over, a massive crater where his head and shoulders and upper torso used to be; ragged ends of wiggly bits and God knows what else dangle and droop, and a foul slime drips to the ground from the charred remains—the only sound to break the peaceful silence of the tundra. And as you turn to walk away, you say"; end the story finally saying "The GREAT Cthulhu? More like... the LATE Cthulhu! OHOHOHOHOHO..."