My New Game by Elaine Monaghan

My New Game

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"Looking for Fulton" by Elaine Monaghan

The maximum score is 200

The Corridor is a room. "Your editor has sent you on your first assignment, to Belfast, where you are to track down and interview Mark Swinger Fulton, the new leader of the Loyalist Volunteer Force (LVF), which beats Catholics to a pulp for fun. Fulton is a small, neatly-dressed man with a silly little moustache and sideburns that scream I wannabe Freddie Mercury but I’m too repressed to even know that and too ham-fisted to trim them right. As your Scottish Granny might once have said, were she not so polite, he’s aw fur coat and nae knickers. But he is the last man standing between generations more Northern Irish bloodshed and a peace deal that is waiting only for LVF support and due to be signed tomorrow. If only you can interview him, perhaps he will see he has the chance to change history for the better. You head to a neighborhood popular with ultra-right-wing pro-British loyalists (the kind who would not be on team Meghan) and find the letters LVF spray painted in neat, 10-foot high letters on the gable end of a pebbledash terrace. You knock on the door. A bare-faced, skinhead youth in doc martens boots, skinny jeans and military green anorak opens it. You ask him if he knows Fulton and tell him you’ll lose your job if he doesn’t help you find and interview him. Saying nothing, he beckons you inside, and tells you to wait. You are in a corridor. To the West is an orange door. To the East is a green door. To the North is a frosted glass door. You don’t trust the skinhead to find Fulton for you. You can hear someone singing fascist tunes but you can’t tell which room he’s in. If you fail to secure this interview your editor has threatened to put you on the orange juice futures reporting desk forever. Which door do you try?”

The Orange Door is a room. The Orange Door is west of the corridor. The description is “On a table you find some beard trimmers. Do you take the beard trimmers as a possible conversation starter, or are you afraid Fulton might mistake them for a weapon, figure out you’re Catholic and beat you to a pulp?” Beard trimmers are a thing. Beard trimmers can be seen. Beard trimmers are portable. Beard trimmers are in the orange door.

After taking the beard trimmers:
Increase the score by 50;
Say “Joan Didion would be proud. You can now disarm your subject by offering to trim his beard and engage in psychological interview warfare by interrogating him about his facial hair choices. You can tell him how you and Freddie have been best friends ever since that visit to his flat in London to interview him for New Musical Express, and suggest you might introduce them. You decide to go back to the corridor and see if you can find Fulton.”

The Green Door is a room. The Green Door is east of the corridor. The description is “Behind the green door is a shrine to James Joyce, currently occupied by the LVF’s Irish Republican Army prisoners. Their punishment for years of fighting for Irish unity is to read Joyce’s hardest works 500 times. Naturally Fulton is too stupid to understand this is not a punishment, and the IRA men are too stupid to understand that Saint Peter will still send you to Hell even if you’ve read Joyce for years. They have just started Ulysses. They are maybe at 8:02 a.m. Resisting the urge to scream, you see a voice recorder on a table in the corner. You only have a pencil and a notepad in your pocket." A voice recorder is a thing. A voice recorder can be seen. A voice recorder is portable. A voice recorder is in the Green Door.

After taking the voice recorder:
Increase the score by 150;
Say “George Orwell would be proud. You are ready to expose all kinds of cruelty and lies and you better capture Fulton’s quotes accurately. You quietly pick up the voice recorder, walk backwards through the door and return to the corridor.”

The Frosted Glass Door is a room. The frosted glass door is north of the corridor. The description is “Fulton is sitting at a small kitchen table potting plants and periodically looking mournfully at a mirror, surveying the state of his moustache and sideburns. You think that if you tell him you and Freddie are friends, and offer to take him to meet him, maybe he’ll come with you and you’ll have an uninterrupted, two-hour drive to Dublin, when you can record your interview. You spot a key on the table, next to a batch of well-worn discs by Queen. It’s distinctive, the key for a Toyota Landcruiser, and you know it has a six-disc CD player under the driver’s seat. Do you pick up the key and offer to drive him to meet Freddie?” A key is a thing. A key can be seen. A key is portable. A key is in the frosted glass door.

After taking the Key:
Say “Have you completely lost your mind? This man hates Catholics and he and his friends will maim you if they figure out your ruse. Ask him if he plans to support the peace deal, capture his words, and get the f**k out of there.”

[ENDING]
Every turn:
If score is 200
begin;
say “You have won the game because it’s a win condition if you take both the beard trimmer and the voice recorder. If Fulton loses his beard trimmers he’ll quickly look even more ridiculous and lose his mojo, and with the voice recorder, you can stay focused on a speedy interview and getting out of there faster than you can say three Hail Marys” ; end the game in victory;
End if.