Elemental Manor: Quest for the Rubber Duckie by Baron von Michael

Elemental Manor: Quest for the Rubber Duckie

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Manor Gate is a room. The description is "Elemental Manor is a large country manorhouse of indeterminate age, imprecise geographical location and imperfect condition with an uncertain number of residents, unsafe electrics and a variety of unpleasant smells. Visitors should complete and sign the provided waiver (a mere formality) before entering. Try going n, s, e, w, or even down (d)!"

The Woods are south of the Manor Gate. The description is "The sprawling estate of Elemental Manor is surrounded on several sides by a magnificent, ancient woodland, within which grow such a wide and wonderful mix of trees and plants that would make Carl von Linné himself squeal with delight and demand a packed lunch since he'll be here for quite a long time, thank you. Locals have harvested hazel for their wattle fences, cut down mighty oaks for the monarch's shipyards and foraged for fruit and fungi for countless generations in these woods. A local delicacy is giant bilberries that grow downstream of the Manor. Visitors to the woods should ignore the idle gossip of local villagers with their fanciful tales of carnivorous trees, talking badgers that lead wanderers astray and odd chemical smells. The Professor assures everyone that he disposes of hazardous substances in a responsible and legal manner, i.e. down the drain with lots of water."

The Drains are down from the Woods. The description is "It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Or an albino crocodile, gelatinous icosahedron, mutated testudinal humanoids, giant radioactive goldfish or, if that hysterical fellow from the water company is to be believed, a minotaur. Nobody knows how they got there and the Professor assures everyone that they were there long before his family moved in. It is unknown just how far the drains go. Some villagers believe they feed into a vast underground tunnel system carved millennia ago by Shambalan priests who took a wrong turn on their way to visit Egypt. Others say they are repurposed tunnels that once stretched the several miles between the old folly and the original manorhouse, now terminating in a long-forgotten septic tank. Nobody has dared to find out."

The Antechamber is north from the Manor Gate. The description is "Welcome, dear fellow, to Elemental Manor! Various rooms open in all directions..."

The Artists Dungeon is down from the Antechamber. The description is "The Artists' Dungeon does NOT EXIST. The Professor does NOT have several comic artists and other creatives chained up in a damp and badly-ventilated dungeon underneath the Manor where they must toil ceaselessly to create magnificent comic books, stories, games, and illustrations based upon the Professor's adventures. Do not believe the rumours."

The Attic is up from the Antechamber. The description is "Possibly the largest room in the building according to the original blueprints for the Manor. Nobody has even attempted mapping out this shifting labyrinth of discarded inventions, scientific mishaps, magical artefacts, childhood toys, family heirlooms and junk for many years. A village rumour tells of a time long ago when a drummer-boy was sent in, constantly playing his drum while cartographers listened from the roof, but the drumming stopped about halfway through."

The Roof is up from the Attic. The description is "Every good manor needs a roof. Terribly useful things, roofs, they stop rain and pigeons getting in and stops the residents of the Attic complaining about the draught. In the instance of Elemental Manor, it also provides support for the Observatory, which would crash down into the rooms below without it; and the atmo-etheric lightning collector arrays, which through the miracle of SCIENCE, gather energies from the skies and channel it via an overcomplicated system of cables and glass jars down to the Basement. The roof also provides stunning panoramic views across the estate, allowing one to enjoy a hearty mug of tea as the sun rises or a flagon of gin at sunset."

The Beverage Laboratory is west from the Antechamber. The description is "To the casual observer glancing through the door, this room would appear to be a quite ordinary if somewhat messy and pungent chemistry laboratory. Stout workbenches form an island in the centre, their surfaces scarred and charred over the years by fire and chemicals. Laboratory glassware filled with suspiciously bubbling, smoking liquids sit atop the island and something in the chipped porcelain sink emits a faint green glow. Sheaves of papers (including handwritten, early drafts of the Professor's tea-related travel journal 'Around the World in 80 Brews' and his sciento-philosophical treatise 'With Great Power Comes Great Cups of Tea'), old notebooks and reference works lie around the room. If a visitor with a keen scientific eye were to look closer, however, they would notice that this goes beyond growing copper sulphate crystals and making invisible ink with lemon juice. Far beyond. For it is in this room that the Professor has created such wondrous and improbable beverages as would delight the taste buds of princes and paupers alike, bring parties to life, kill stubborn weeds and strip paint from railway bridges."

Geoffery's Quarters is east from the Antechamber. The description is "(STRICTLY OFF LIMITS TO VISITORS) Geoffrey, the faithful butler, friend and occasional co-conspirator of the Professor, chose these rooms when he first moved into the manor primarily by virtue of their having openable windows that don't fall out of their frames when touched. The bedroom lacks a bed; instead the main room now consists of a small forest of rough timber climbing frames, ropes and whatever trees Geoffrey has been able to drag inside. The solid teak wardrobe in the corner has since been converted to a convenient fruit pantry; Geoffrey instead prefers to hang his clothing on the high-up, outer branches of a dead tree. The only human furniture retaining its intended function in these quarters can be found in the en suite bathroom. If there is one simple non-essential delight common to all primates it is that of a big, steaming-hot bubblebath. Although it took a while for the Professor to train Geoffrey to not attempt to drink the fruit-scented bubblebath he is now fully bath-trained and has even been known on occasion to unclog the hair-filled plughole after batheing."

The Greenhouse is west from the Manor Gate. The description is "What greater relaxing activity can there be for a gentleman of leisure than to potter about a bit in the garden, take tea in the shed and feel the nurturing moistness of Nature's soil under one's fingernails as one attempts to bring forth new and unusual plant life into the world? Originally designed and constructed by the Professor's father, this iron-and-glass marvel of civil engineering has housed rarities from across the world, hosted exotic parties for royals and given life to fantastic new cultivars of flowers and fruit. Its glory days, however, are behind it now, with cracked glass panes and algae-green puddles on the concrete floor, its heating systems long since seized up. Unfortunately, owing to a slight miscalculation with a new formula of liquid plantfood, visitors should not attempt entry to the greenhouse without a full set of plate armour, a machete and a packet of throwable sausages."

The Stables are north from the Greenhouse. The description is "Few parts of the Manor have been remodelled, modified and rebuilt more than the Stables. Originally built to accomodate horses and carriages back in the days before steam power and bottled lightning, they also housed a kennels for dogs and a substantial hayloft."

The Stone Garden is west from the Greenhouse. The description is "Highlights of the Oriental Stone Garden include the Petrified Dragon, Dry-Stone Portal to the Nether Dimensions, Small Henge, Cheerful Long Bearded Ceramic Fellow, and Rather A Lot of Gravel Raked Into Wavy Patterns. And Mighty Boulders. Disturbing the balance of any or all of these items could theoretically affect the nature of the very Cosmos itself. However, since that would by definition also alter everyone involved, and the whole of history, there is no way to detect if this has actually happened, or indeed if it is possible. But that Cheerful Long Bearded Ceramic Fellow has a funny grin."

The Gym is down from Geoffery's Quarters. The description is "Every gentleman who embarks upon high-spirited, action-packed adventures to the unmapped interior of the South Downs or the seedy backstreets of Croydon should know how to defend himself against ruffians who speak only the language of fisticuffs. And so it is that the Professor designed and built this spacious room in the basement. Under the engraved sign Ultima Ratio Homo Nobilium, the Professor could vigorously exercise, with sessions sometimes lasting for a whole five minutes before thirst set in and a tea break called. With hefty lifting-weights of up to several pounds, a full-sized boxing ring for sparring and a cobbled-together sound system, it was here that the Professor got himself into tip-top physical and vocal shape for his duel with erstwhile enemy and now chum, Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer. The gymnasium is currently off-limits to visitors following an incident involving a prototype robotic sparring partner. There is good news, however; its power cell should run down in forty to fifty years. In the meantime, one should heed the extensive warning signs, welded steel doors and tripwired explosive devices and not attempt entry."

The Library is north from the Antechamber. The description is "The Library is possibly the oldest room in Elemental Manor. This magnificent, well-maintained hall extends over two floors and is lined with sturdy oak shelves and ladders on rails. Numerous portraits of the Elemental family through the ages hang on the walls, the largest of which is that of Percival Elemental, Earl of Sussex."

The Study is north from the Library. The description is "A delightfully comfortable if somewhat chaotic room. Above the huge granite fireplace hangs a portrait of an elderly, grey-haired gentleman holding a cup and saucer, a large wooden pipe clamped between his teeth, as he poses beside a gramophone and a stack of discs. The fireplace itself was recently refitted to accept etherically-charged plasma as a more eco-friendly heating solution."

The Master Bathroom is up from the Library. The description is "Located in the partly-unfinished East Wing, the Master Bathroom contains the Master Bath."

The Vault of Comics is down from the Library. The description is "A vast, Money Bin-esque silo filled to the brim with dog-eared comic books featuring the most preposterous, rubbish superheroes."

The Games Room is up from the Master Bathroom. The description is "Up a winding stair from the Library may be found a vast hall, apparently wider than the Manor itself, and whose ceiling appears to stretch far higher than it should. Indeed, clouds can be seen drifting round the ceiling, and a rainbow forms periodically by the chandelier. The horizon is barely visible across the sprawl of chess tables, bouncy castles, ball pools, billiards, marble runs built out of vintage scaffolding and train parts, indoor croquet lawns, mesoamerican ballgame courts, upside-down-archery targets, human clay pigeon launchers, wildebeest jousting lists, and of course Tailextrix Badger Formula One."

The Master Bedroom is west from the Master Bathroom. The description is "STRICTLY NO ENTRY. THIS INCLUDES YOU, GNOMES. The Master Bedroom is, naturally, the largest and cosiest bedroom in the Manor. Its windows are relatively sturdy, with barely a whistle of winter winds making it through the cracks and crevices. A mighty oak four-poster bed occupies much of the floorspace, with delightfully soft sheets and huge and enveloping down-stuffed pillows, the kind of bed one could merely glance at and immediately want to take an afternoon nap on. A spacious walk-in wardrobe can be found on one side, its many shelves and cupboards containing a wide variety of dapper headgear, mysterious masks, practical trousers, manly shirts, elegant jackets, sturdy boots and incredibly stylish accessories. A door on the opposite side leads to the Master Bathroom, within which sits a bathtub of unfeasibly large volume and a huge collection of bath toys, from clockwork submarines and model paddle steamers to rubber duckies and frogs."

The Trophy Room is in from the Antechamber. The description is "A repository of artefacts from the many adventures of the Professor, and several family heirlooms. Visitors of a nervous disposition should avoid looking in the display cases on the wall opposite the fireplace."

Trouserspace is up from the Roof. The description is "Currently residing, comfortably nestled, in... a... POCKET DIMENSION... Trouserspace is the Professor's infinitely scrolling walk-in wardrobe. Every type of trouser the Prof. has ever created are stored here and lovingly, perhaps a little TOO lovingly, ironed and laundered by Geoffrey and an army of tiny mechatorians. Once a relatively manageable task, the trouser collection has taken on Borgesian proportions, since the self-replicating trousers put on the time-travel trousers, and stepped into the Profligator Engine, creating an infinite sequence of slightly different variations on the basic model."